By Manisha Dhingra

Ever had a moment when you looked at that supposedly great guy/ girl in your life and wondered: “What the hell am I doing with this person?”

Worry not! Such moments occur even in the best of relationships. It’s only when this feeling spins out of control that you have a real problem on your hands. As Dr. Anshu Kulkarni puts it: “The most important sign of a healthy relationship is to see whether there is good and healthy communication between the two of you. There should be no big differences of opinion and no huge arguments. Both people should be able to share their feelings and enjoy quality time together.” Dr. Kulkarni is a Relationship and Child Psychiatrist at Raheja Fortis Hospital in Mahim, Mumbai.

But…it’s complicated!

Relationships are not always as simple as that. Everyone knows that opposites attract. For many couples, the differences of opinion and the arguments are exactly what keep the relationship alive. Take 27-year-old Ishi Gupte, for instance. “I love my boyfriend to bits!” she says, “We’ve lived together for the past six years and the chemistry is still so hot and sizzling. I think it is due to the fact that we fight so often and one of us always has to compromise to keep the peace. But then we have awesome make-up sex and everything is rocking again!” she laughs.

The promise of compromise

Going by the clinical definition, Ishi’s relationship should have kept her very miserable indeed. But what makes it work is the ‘C’ word – Compromise. “Compromise is when person A understands person B and vice versa, and shifts his/ her likes and dislikes happily according to that of the partner’s – without affecting the relationship. Being dominated is completely different and it happens when one partner dictates what is to be done or not,” shares Dr. Kulkarni.

“Compromise is about willingly doing something for your partner’s sake after which you feel good and happy. However, if you do something only because your partner is dominating, then you feel forced into something you do not like and that disturbs the relationship to a large extent,” cautions Dr. Ripan Sippy, Clinical Psychologist at Delhi’s West Side Clinic.

Family matters

In Indian society, dating and marriage are often too deeply entwined with each other. Like it or not, beyond a certain age, almost everyone you date is going to analyse you from the ‘husband/ wife material’ point of view. “A prospective spouse’s family plays a very important part in the relationship’s survival. After marriage, one needs to get accustomed with the family as well,” states Dr. Rupa Talukdar, Chief Executive Counsellor, Mind’’s Eye – a Centre for Psychological Well-being and Rejuvenation, Kolkata.

According to psychology, partners often try to find a parental trait in their partners. “As psychologists, if any problem arises between a couple, we first start looking at the ‘parental figure’ aspect. Some time ago, a couple approached me for advice. The girl said that her boyfriend often got very angry and would abuse her – even when everything was going perfectly fine. After a few tests, we determined that the girl possessed various traits of the boy’s father. Therefore, unable to vent his anger at his father, the guy would abuse his girlfriend! From this, you can see how much family matters in some relationships,” reveals Dr. Sippy.

Signs of a healthy relationship:

-          Good & healthy communication

-          Few disagreements/ arguments

-          Mutual caring and loyalty

-          Willingness to compromise

-          Positive attitude towards fulfilling responsibilities

Signs of an unhealthy relationship:

-          Lots of conflicts, lack of mutual understanding

-          Distracted mental state; poor performance at your job

-          Unwillingness to compromise or be flexible

-          One of the partners acting too restrictive, abusive or possessive

-          Ignoring or neglecting each other

If you are in an unhealthy relationship…

…consider premarital counselling if marriage or a long-term commitment is on the cards

…communicate and try to resolve the issue

…appreciate each other and spend time together

…approach someone that both partners respect, for advice

…opt for professional advice/ counselling

…if nothing works, break up and stay out of touch with each other

—Ends—

Share this story:

Pin It

So what’s the first thing you look for in a potential partner? Connecting mentally, emotionally, physically? No matter how important the other factors are, one of the first things that couples look for in each other is physical attraction. Don’t agree? Read on to know why we advise otherwise.

By Neha Ghosh

Because after all, it is this chemistry that alone has the potential to keep the relationship from stagnating.  But it’s not that simple either. Anyone in a long term relationship will agree that over time, many practical factors such as raising kids, earning a livelihood, running a household and growing older can cause sex to take a backseat. Not surprisingly, subsequently, couples start feeling the heat and begin questioning themselves if they’re in the right relationship.

So what’s to blame? The demise of sex in the relationship or a couple’s refusal to accept the fact that sex is very important?

It is quite ironical that in the land of the Kama Sutra, sex is often transferred to the backseat, deemed impure and a taboo subject. But the importance of sex has often been endorsed by several celebrities including Sting, who has admitted to performing tantric sex with his wife to strengthen their relationship. Not that we are advocating you going to that extreme but good sex is a substantial part of a blissful relationship.

For those still in doubt, here are top 4 reasons why couple who have sex together, stay together.

1. Sex releases feel-good hormones

The reason why men and women appreciate sex so much is that sex is much more than just a physical act. Men enjoy it because it invigorates them mentally and physically while women have more of an emotional reason as it makes them feel loved and connected. Sex releases endorphins and feel-good hormones that reduce depression and causes a happy feeling. If you have an active sex life with your partner, chances are that your relationship will survive for a much longer time than those who are married but not leading an dynamic sex life. So next time you are in a bad mood, get under the sheets with your partner and feel the tension and stress slip away.

2. Sex leads to happiness

Sex makes you a happier person! It’s true. Since sex is important in a happy relationship, it can also make you a happier person and empower you to deal with all the stress and difficulties coming your way. According to sexologist Dr Ambarish Singa, many couples these days push sex to the backseat because after a long day of meetings, tasks, and nagging bosses, who has the time? “But it’s a mistake”, he adds. “Couples who make it a point to have sex at least once a week tend to be more focussed and connected at home and outside”. Similar suggestions are offered from the site lovepanky.com.  Life can be stressful and the weight of work pressure or financial difficulties add up ultimately, and no matter how cheery and in control we may seem from the outside, our mind needs to let go and get a good dose of happy energy. And that’s where sex can play such a great and exultant part.

3. Sex has health benefits

According to a recent Newsweek article, regular sex can have amazing health benefits. Agrees Sujok expert Asha Patyal and says, “Women and men should indulge in more often sex for therapeutic reasons”.  “Besides being a good form of exercise, sex boosts immunity, burns calories, reduces the risk of prostate cancer and much more,” she adds. Not to forget, the benefits also include maintaining youthful appearance, promoting the production of germ-fighting antibodies, strengthening a woman’s pelvic floor, stabilising a woman’s menstrual cycle and offering natural pain relief in the form of orgasms. Now if those are not good enough reasons, what is?

4. Sex can lead to emotional closeness

Sex is not just about getting physical; it connects you to your partner on an emotional level as well. It keeps the relationship healthy and alive and helps you to explore each other emotionally and physically. It has been found that couples who have sex on a regular basis are closer to each other mentally and emotionally than those who do it infrequently.

So, there you have it — four primary reasons why sex is such an important part of any relationship. Remember that to keep your relationship going strong, you need to focus not just on an expressive level, but on a physical level as well.

Share this story:

Pin It

For the love of money?

By Manisha Dhingra

Ritika is 29 and she’s only ever had one relationship. This senior media industry professional broke up with her boyfriend of four years last month. “He was a serial cheater!” she says bitterly. Employed with India’s top television production house, Ritika is beautiful, intelligent, smart and successful.

Her boyfriend, in contrast, was one of those handsome, artistic types. He never held down a job for more than six months and kept flitting from one ‘business’ to the next. “Can you imagine? I put up with all of this…his eccentricities, his lofty ambitions and his complete lack of motivation to see his ideas through. When we ate out, I paid the bills. I got him expensive gifts and we took one long vacation and several short vacations every year, all courtesy my pay cheques. Forget loyalty, the man does not even feel any gratitude for all that I did for him,” Ritika muses now.

So, what went wrong? “Me! I should never have gone for a guy so much beneath my own status,” she asserts.

Heartless as it sounds, there may be some truth to that. Just last year, a report by Catherine Hakim of the London School of Economics claimed that “the idea of most women wanting to be financially independent is a myth.” Hakim’s report explains that most women – even professionally successful ones – want to marry wealthy men so as to achieve financial growth and security through marriage.

“Let me put it this way,” says 32-year-old Anamika Shirodkar, “When I was in college, I was ready to go out with any guy who seemed interesting. It was only about dating and eating at cheap roadside restaurants or watching movies using your pocket money. During my mid-20s, I started looking for a long-term commitment and realized that money is one of the important things that could make or break a relationship. It isn’t as if I married Ashish (her husband) for his lawyer’s salary, but the fact that he earned enough for us both to be ‘comfortable’, really helped seal the deal.”

This, despite the fact that Anamika herself is an engineer with a cushy and well-paying job in the IT sector. Speak to any cross-section of single young women and you will see the pattern repeated. Those looking to get married invariably place ‘Financial Success’ among the Top 3 criteria for judging any potential partner, even as younger girls claim to give no thought to the size of their man’s wallet.

19-year-old Riddhi A. is a case in point. “I don’t think love and money should ever be used together in a sentence,” declares this final-year Mass Communications student. “I started seeing my boyfriend two years ago. He is 25 and a middle-class guy. I am not ashamed to say this. I plan to introduce him to my parents once I start working. I know they might object since he cannot afford to buy or rent a house for us if we get married. But, my question is: If I am independent and earning, why should his income be an issue?”

According to Riddhi, the fact that her boyfriend is gentle, caring and “crazy fun to be with” completely outweighs any concerns about his family’s wealth or his income. So, what if she meets a rich, well-settled guy who is also gentle, caring and fun to be with? Would she swap?

There is just a moment of hesitation before Riddhi shakes her head.

“No, I would not. I love him,” she insists, referring to her boyfriend.

—-

Share this story:

Pin It